Congratulations! But why are you doing it?

About a year ago M and I started telling family and friends that we were going to get married.

Most of the times we got reactions such as “Congratulations!”, “I’m so happy for you!”, “Yeah!”. Other people didn’t seem very excited, and just told us “Uh, ok”. Better still than “Whatever”, but luckily no one said that!

Then we also received comments like “It was about time!”, “You’ve been together for such a long time!”. And while I replied with a vague “Yeah, right!” and a smile, I would start thinking What does it mean It was about time?! So after a certain amount of time you have to get married? I don’t think so! And what about people that decide to get married after being together a year or two? They should wait, or what?

Sometime the comment “You’ve been together for such a long time” was followed by “It’s not going to change anything”. Wait, what? Then we might as well stop planning the wedding, because what’s the point?

OK, I know they were just saying and they didn’t mean anything wrong. But still…

To me “It’s not going to change anything” sounds a lot like “Whatever”. And “You’ve been together for such a long time” it’s like saying “Of course you’re getting married, it’s just what you do”. Here’s the thing, maybe some people do get married because that’s what you do, but for us it was a carefully thought decision.

I know I was, and I am overreacting! Anyway, my thoughts about that kind of reactions, I just kept them for myself. Or share them with M. And now here.

It’s just that thinking that They’re just saying doesn’t help. Because I don’t want people to just say something, but I would appreciate that they show some interest. Like a friend of M’s. The only one who, after M told him that we had decided to get married, asked “Why?”. Thank you!

Well, basically the answer is “To make it official”. To be officially be seen as a couple, as a family. That’s why I proposed. Because as long as we were living in the Netherlands, we were already considered a family. And since we had decided to move back to Italy, I wanted that to continue, and not just to be seen as two people living together. We both know that we are more than that, but we wanted the Italian state, society, friends and family to also acknowledge that.

Some might think that the answer should be “Because we love each other”. Of course we do. But as we cynically like to say “Love has nothing to do with our decision to get married!”

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Back to blogging after 7 months

I haven’t been writing here for 7 months now. Exactly 7 months.

I went to read my last blog post…it’s been such a long time that I didn’t even remember what it was about. Among other things, I wrote that it was time to clean up and fix things. Especially myself.

So, did I do that in these 7 months? I’d be happy to say oh yeah! what was broken is now fixed and everything’s fine now. I’m not quite sure about that. But I’m also not sure that there was something broken in the first place. Everything is fine. Even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like that, and it seems that something is broken. See, I’m confused even about what and how I’m feeling.

Anyway, I’m working on that. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck, but I’m actually doing small steps to clear up my confusion.

So what have I been doing in these few months, and why haven’t I written anything?

Well, apart from being lost in my confusion, I was busy living my life and doing things such as planning a wedding, getting married and going on a honeymoon. So much for a confused (and insecure) person!

Ok, let me just say that in this regard I didn’t feel confused or insecure at all. So why not just go for it? And that’s what I (well, we) did!

I’m not saying that while planning the wedding I didn’t have any doubts. But any doubt I had was about the wedding, not the marriage. There’s a huge difference.

And I think that most doubts came from the outside, from people making comments, or giving unrequested opinions. They all meant well, I’m sure of it. But every comment, every opinion fed my highly insecure inner voice, and I would start over thinking and having doubts. So I think most doubts came in fact from the inside. From me. But then being so sure about marriage helped me ignore doubts and insecurities about the wedding. It also helped having a future husband by my side telling me that everything was going to be fine!

So why I’m not always able to do the same thing? Why do I keep listening to that stupid insecure inner voice?

There are probably many reasons why. What’s important now is to stop listening to it. It should be my goal for the next (seven?) months to ignore the inner voice, the negative thoughts and just go for it. I’m really scared, because I don’t trust myself with making plans and setting goals. But then my husband is by my side, he says that I can do it and everything’s going to be fine. And I trust him.