I haven’t been writing here for 7 months now. Exactly 7 months.
I went to read my last blog post…it’s been such a long time that I didn’t even remember what it was about. Among other things, I wrote that it was time to clean up and fix things. Especially myself.
So, did I do that in these 7 months? I’d be happy to say oh yeah! what was broken is now fixed and everything’s fine now. I’m not quite sure about that. But I’m also not sure that there was something broken in the first place. Everything is fine. Even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like that, and it seems that something is broken. See, I’m confused even about what and how I’m feeling.
Anyway, I’m working on that. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck, but I’m actually doing small steps to clear up my confusion.
So what have I been doing in these few months, and why haven’t I written anything?
Well, apart from being lost in my confusion, I was busy living my life and doing things such as planning a wedding, getting married and going on a honeymoon. So much for a confused (and insecure) person!
Ok, let me just say that in this regard I didn’t feel confused or insecure at all. So why not just go for it? And that’s what I (well, we) did!
I’m not saying that while planning the wedding I didn’t have any doubts. But any doubt I had was about the wedding, not the marriage. There’s a huge difference.
And I think that most doubts came from the outside, from people making comments, or giving unrequested opinions. They all meant well, I’m sure of it. But every comment, every opinion fed my highly insecure inner voice, and I would start over thinking and having doubts. So I think most doubts came in fact from the inside. From me. But then being so sure about marriage helped me ignore doubts and insecurities about the wedding. It also helped having a future husband by my side telling me that everything was going to be fine!
So why I’m not always able to do the same thing? Why do I keep listening to that stupid insecure inner voice?
There are probably many reasons why. What’s important now is to stop listening to it. It should be my goal for the next (seven?) months to ignore the inner voice, the negative thoughts and just go for it. I’m really scared, because I don’t trust myself with making plans and setting goals. But then my husband is by my side, he says that I can do it and everything’s going to be fine. And I trust him.